Celiac Attack
I went to a fancy catered dinner the other night and have been suffering ever since. Here’s the symptoms as they occured.
As I was eating — my stomack hurt and ached.
20 min-2 hours after eating — major pain and bloating in my stomack and intentines.
2 – 4 hours — more bloating, some gas (which helped relieve the pain) and then fatigue.
5 hours after eating — I just conked out with major fatigue so strong I couldn’t keep my eyes open and passed out as soon as I got home.
While sleeping that night — many bad dreams…with cops, and drugs, and fearful images…a restless sleep.
Woke up — feeling draggy, tired, bloated, grumpy, itchy skin, lathargic.
By noon — fatigue so strong I had to sleep, itchy skin, foggy brain
After nap — feeling blue, sad, a little weepy, (for no external reason) irritable, minor asthma attack sensation
At dinner — hungry but no appetite (ate well anyways)…felt bloated and just layed down on the couch for an hour
By 10:00 — itchy and irritablity relieved…lungs still sore…but mood lifted too…a burst of energy and I stayed awake until about 2-3:30 am. (Insomnia)
The next morning (today, right now) I feel frustrated at having lost my day yesterday. My stomack feels malnurished, bowels feel bloated, and I feel “cavish.” I’m irritable and don’t have patience for my daughter’s “issues” and I just want to curl up in a ball and avoid the world. I feel anxious about going to L. instead of excited and stress-free the way I felt when I was gluten free.
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I’m beginning to think that my entire identity that I built around “trying to improve myself” was all a reaction to gluten. What I mean is…when I’m gluten free, I just am peaceful, relaxed, happy, energetic and creative…when I’m glutenized then I’m on this mission to “overcome”…to “strive and struggle” to find “peacefulness’…….
The blue that I felt yesterday was not emotional or mental…it was physical. I could tell this time since I was paying attention to the symptoms. And here I have spent my entire life feeling that way, taking anti-depressants, doing meditation, reading, writing, going to therapy, all that…all that and all I had to do was stop eating gluten.
If I would have come from a peaceful and supportive family then I would have not had any emotional issues to talk about and no senerios to blame for me feeling that way and it would have been more easy to diagnosis or to identify. But since I did have all these senerios of neglect, anxiety and fear, it always seemed to me that my past was affecting me and I needed to “get help.”
Last night I drempt I was adopted. In the dream I was telling someone that I always suspected but now I know for real and it’s so good to have the answer. And in the dream it did feel so good to know that this was not my real family. It was a burden lifted. And I told a friend how I always wondered because when people would say my mom looks like me she would become withdrawn and it made me think something was up. (p.s. Everyone I ever meet tells me how much I look like her…but she doesn’t see it!! Does she not want to?…..and it makes me wonder why my mom doesn’t like me.)
She said in therapy that she would never say “I don’t like you” that she would say “I don’t like your behaviour”…..but by not saying “I love you” and by pushing me away it says I don’t like you.
I don’t feel good today about her. Today I wish I was adopted. Today I wish I wasn’t a friggen gluten-zoid. I feel like a freak. And I just want to wallow in it. I’m still greiving it. I feel depressed about it. I feel depressed about all my wasted years.
But, I have to say that all those therapy sessions did help…so that now when I’m gluten free I do feel, finally, the results of all the work I did. So at last I have mind-body connection.
Nerves, nervous, nerves, nervous – yikes
I’m doing this colonomy thing recommended by my wonderful and fantastic naturopath doctor. She suggested it about a month ago and in the first week I really screwed up because I was only supposed to do it every other day but I was doing it every day…and at the end of the week I even did it two times a day a couple times. Oops.
She was okay with that and I didn’t get chastized, she just said, “You’ve just put your body through an intense cleanse.” And I think I really needed to do that. I felt better that week than I had in years and years and years.
So now then I gave myself a break for a week or so doing it just once a week. My bowel movements became much more regular and that was great. It also helped to remove wheat from my diet and then I didn’t have such pain and discomfort after eating. I could see that my body certainly had a hard time digesting wheat.
The strange outcome of this process is the way my nervous system seems to have been re-awakened. When I become nervous now I can feel it all the way from the tip of my spine to the bottom and into my bowels. And when I feel that it reminds me of the way that my thoughts are thinking and my feelings are feeling and I feel more connected with my body than I have in a long time.
It’s a strange feeling and sometimes I feel like I want it to go away. When I’m constipated the sensation does go away but that is replace by cramping, pain and other discomforts.
This issue with D. has caused me so much physical stress and I realize that she has made me feel this way my whole life. I saw her photo today and had such mixed feelings. I felt anger, pain, love, hatred, fear, …and the feelings were very very strong. Mother-daughter relationships are one of the most intense, says my counsellor and when I saw that photo I could not agree more.
I feel like she is one of the most sneaky, manipulative, kaniving people that I know. She is shallow and a liar but you know I think she doesn’t even know …I think she even lies to herself. When I look at her it gives me the creeps.
But my health has created in me a new-found love for my own daughter and I’m not going to let the way that my mother treats me affect the way that I treat my daughter.
The violence stops here!
