A river of tears
A river of tears
wells up just inside
so close to the surface
i can barely hide.
Today sucked.
Why?
Because I’ve been sick for the past week with norwalk virus and today is the first day that I’ve been up and moving and able to eat and I feel like crap. After having had the digestive rest for the week I am acutely aware of how my system is failing me. I’m craving sugars and that’s either because I’m not getting enough nutrition from the food I’m eating (because of the damage to my intestine) or because I’m PMSing.
Tylonal helped, and my daughter playing with her friend outside gave me a small reprieve. I spent an hour scrubbing the stove and got it all shiny and nice. I was thinking to myself, “Well, this is definitely something I can control. I can clean the stove. I have control over that.” And it felt a little nice in a world surrounded by things I have no control over.
I feel so crappy today and I know that it’s not because of my surroundings. It’s because of my health and I just don’t know what to do about that.
I have nothing good to say but I”m just making it through the day. That’s all.
Celiac Attack
I went to a fancy catered dinner the other night and have been suffering ever since. Here’s the symptoms as they occured.
As I was eating — my stomack hurt and ached.
20 min-2 hours after eating — major pain and bloating in my stomack and intentines.
2 – 4 hours — more bloating, some gas (which helped relieve the pain) and then fatigue.
5 hours after eating — I just conked out with major fatigue so strong I couldn’t keep my eyes open and passed out as soon as I got home.
While sleeping that night — many bad dreams…with cops, and drugs, and fearful images…a restless sleep.
Woke up — feeling draggy, tired, bloated, grumpy, itchy skin, lathargic.
By noon — fatigue so strong I had to sleep, itchy skin, foggy brain
After nap — feeling blue, sad, a little weepy, (for no external reason) irritable, minor asthma attack sensation
At dinner — hungry but no appetite (ate well anyways)…felt bloated and just layed down on the couch for an hour
By 10:00 — itchy and irritablity relieved…lungs still sore…but mood lifted too…a burst of energy and I stayed awake until about 2-3:30 am. (Insomnia)
The next morning (today, right now) I feel frustrated at having lost my day yesterday. My stomack feels malnurished, bowels feel bloated, and I feel “cavish.” I’m irritable and don’t have patience for my daughter’s “issues” and I just want to curl up in a ball and avoid the world. I feel anxious about going to L. instead of excited and stress-free the way I felt when I was gluten free.
……………………………………………………………………………………………..
I’m beginning to think that my entire identity that I built around “trying to improve myself” was all a reaction to gluten. What I mean is…when I’m gluten free, I just am peaceful, relaxed, happy, energetic and creative…when I’m glutenized then I’m on this mission to “overcome”…to “strive and struggle” to find “peacefulness’…….
The blue that I felt yesterday was not emotional or mental…it was physical. I could tell this time since I was paying attention to the symptoms. And here I have spent my entire life feeling that way, taking anti-depressants, doing meditation, reading, writing, going to therapy, all that…all that and all I had to do was stop eating gluten.
If I would have come from a peaceful and supportive family then I would have not had any emotional issues to talk about and no senerios to blame for me feeling that way and it would have been more easy to diagnosis or to identify. But since I did have all these senerios of neglect, anxiety and fear, it always seemed to me that my past was affecting me and I needed to “get help.”
Last night I drempt I was adopted. In the dream I was telling someone that I always suspected but now I know for real and it’s so good to have the answer. And in the dream it did feel so good to know that this was not my real family. It was a burden lifted. And I told a friend how I always wondered because when people would say my mom looks like me she would become withdrawn and it made me think something was up. (p.s. Everyone I ever meet tells me how much I look like her…but she doesn’t see it!! Does she not want to?…..and it makes me wonder why my mom doesn’t like me.)
She said in therapy that she would never say “I don’t like you” that she would say “I don’t like your behaviour”…..but by not saying “I love you” and by pushing me away it says I don’t like you.
I don’t feel good today about her. Today I wish I was adopted. Today I wish I wasn’t a friggen gluten-zoid. I feel like a freak. And I just want to wallow in it. I’m still greiving it. I feel depressed about it. I feel depressed about all my wasted years.
But, I have to say that all those therapy sessions did help…so that now when I’m gluten free I do feel, finally, the results of all the work I did. So at last I have mind-body connection.
Attacked by my daughter’s ice cream
The day was going along great and then I made my daughter an ice cream cone. I forgot to use a different spoon after scooping her ice cream onto the cone and then used the same spoon to get my ice cream…well, before I had even finished eating my ice cream I could feel my stomack reacting to the miniscule wheat particles that had gone from the spoon to my bowl.
First came a wave of shakiness and when I felt my hands trembling I knew there was going to be trouble. Next came an irritablity and a snappiness and an impatience with my daughter. That’s when I definitely knew something was up because when I’m not “gluten-ized” I have the utmost patience for her.
Then came a fuzzy feeling in my pores and blood and then pressure in my sinues and a post-nasal drip. We went for a walk for fresh air but I felt groggy and tired, lethargic.
I came home and just dropped on the couch. I slept for an hour. After waking I feel better…but drained. And a bit annoyed that the day had to go like this.
It’s now 6 and I lost my afternoon all because of a damn little crumb!!
At this moment I hate this disease. I’ll get used to it. It’ll get better. But right now, I hate it.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
